Q. We've been married 12 years, but it seems like 112. We used to be so close, but lately we spend more and more time quarrelling. How can I put love, affection and intimacy back in my marriage?

A. For a healthy marriage that will stand the test of time, you must both pay attention to and be respectful of each other.

A perspective that may jump start those actions is to treat your husband as if he had a limited time to live.

This could involve:

• Not getting upset by little things.

• Keep an open mind about the so-called “big” things. You may find there aren’t so many.

• Spend one-on-one time at least once a week. Make a date. Go out to dinner. Share thoughts and feelings.

• Change of scenery. If possible, slip away for a weekend with just the two of you. It doesn’t have to be far away or even out of town.

• Listen and offer support when he is having a tough time.

• Ask him what he needs from you and do it if you can. If you can’t, explain why not.

• When you say, “I love you,” show it in thoughtful ways.

• Try a little “touch therapy” like holding hands.

• Look for the positives. You’ll find them.

• Talk about problems with an open mind and be willing to compromise. Let him know he can show his feelings without fear of rejection.

• Remember those feelings that brought the two of your together in the first place and try to recapture them.

• Have a couples’ counseling session with EAP.

Call (713) 866-4242 for an appointment. The service is confidential and free.

Rich Barrett, EAP manager